Five Year Hiatus

Dear Readers,

Those of you who followed my blog documenting my year abroad in Buenos Aires (2010-2011) may be wondering what I've been up to these past five years. You're aware I'm a frequent traveler-- since Buenos Aires, I've lived in Chicago, Taiwan (three months), South Korea (two years), Minnesota (two years), and am now living and working downtown in Chicago. I've never lived downtown, and I am loving it. 

Major events of the past few years have been: 

A love-hate relationship with living in East Asia: While I love Korean food, sentimentality and cuteness, met such kind people, and felt so inspired by people's powerful drive to make seemingly impossible things happen (for example, submitting huge projects at a moment's notice because the man in charge decided this morning that he needs two weeks' worth of plans by 5pm, organizing a spontaneous trip for 40 children, etc.), daily life was hard. I lived in three different tiny apartments during my two year stay-- apartments the size of your average living room-- with a boyfriend and two feisty kittens (at one point, both of them in heat). Sexist micro-aggresions, like people looking baffled when they told my boyfriend he had such a beautiful girlfriend and I said "thank you," because the compliment was for him; and old men regularly spitting in my direction (for being an American woman in Korea, presumably...), really got me down. The children I worked with, as well as some of the adults, judged my appearance very harshly, and made me feel like a fat, ugly, unstylish mess. For the first time in my life, I bought stylish, expensive new clothes in an attempt to be more liked and popular. While it worked well for about a week, and my students seemed to like and respect me significantly more, after that the little digs about my being fat and ugly started up again. I felt lonely, and struggled with other daily activities, like speeding buses full of miserable high school students which tipped on two wheels while turning hilly corners. I started drinking tons of beer (minimal soju). Then things got much harder when my apartment was broken into while I was sleeping, and the intruder crawled over me in my sleep and tried to rape me. I screamed, and luckily Chris was in the apartment and the guy was scared away. Since I felt unsafe in my apartment (which, coincidentally, turned out to be infested with roaches during the following few weeks) and felt increasingly stressed out at my job, I decided to move into Chris's even tinier apartment, which we had previously been using as a storage space, and decide whether to pack up and go home. Chris loved his job and wanted to stay. Within a few weeks, a preschool teaching job opened up (it was an odd time of year for any openings). It honestly sounded miserable to me... I envisioned crying, spoiled children (I had spent the past few months working with mean, spoiled candy fiends) and cleaning up accidents. But I applied, and it was wonderful!

Teaching English and discovering that I love preschool: In Taiwan, I taught for three months at an English academy with lessons based on dialogues and flashcards. I felt bad delivering such boring lessons, but I felt much worse about being shockingly terrible at it at first. I was a nervous wreck, made the already boring lessons even more boring with my anxious delivery, became increasingly forgetful due to stress... it was terrible. The director of the school was very kind and mentored me. After two months, I improved dramatically, but decided that I disliked the job enough to quit. This was a major decision, because it meant leaving the country and trying yet another English teaching job in a different place. The first Korean academy I landed in had only been around for two years when I arrived, and the curriculum was completely up to me. That was both a big challenge and a great opportunity. The owner of the school's desk was in my classroom across from mine, which pushed me to get over stage fright FAST. My lessons included games, discussions about National Geographic Photos, culture, the military, beauty, karaoke singing, cooking lessons every Friday (during which I prepared a meal for classrooms of ravenous children in 40 minutes, 6 times in a row). It was a hard but great experience. The first preschool I taught in, though, made me fall in love with teaching, and was the first time I believed that I had the capacity to be a good teacher. It was an English Immersion preschool full of passionate, progressive teachers and great structure and materials. I created my own art activities and worksheets, which we all enjoyed so much, and we put on a Sound of Music play and several other performances. What I loved so much about working with 4-year-olds was the pride they took in all of their accomplishments. While older students rolled their eyes and said "Yeah, yeah, I understand, next unit, next!" the younger children were filled with happiness and pride after successfully copying the letter "a"! They were interested, creative, insightful... I got to read, sing, do science experiments, and craft all day... And the classroom rules about kindness and sharing reflect my utopian vision for the world! =) I also took pride in helping to turn the very "difficult" classroom and some of the "difficult" children (especially the naughty boys) around. I saw that they needed structure, encouragement, and love. The children who bullied others felt that everyone hated them and did things like ripping papers and running all around because they were frustrated that they felt incompetent. I helped them (through art lessons, strategic rules, and encouraging words) feel more accomplished and more loved, and saw transformation. I fell in love with the 3-6 age group and also felt more promise about my capacity to teach!

When I got back to America, I became a Montessori Preschool Assistant at two different schools (the first was a temporary position), working with 3-6 year olds again. I am now so passionate about the Montessori Method, which encourages independence, freedom, deep respect for children, holistic learning, responsibility, patience, community, and so much more. I love the clever designs of so many of the activities, and continue to love the delight and pride that the children take in all their work. I'm a teaching assistant at a Montessori Preschool in Chicago now, known as "Miss Kaeli," and greatly appreciated and loved! I lead science experiments and art projects and help the children with various activities throughout the day. I love it so, so much!

Engagement: Chris and I were living and loving together for the past five years. We started dating again just as my last blog ended, when I got back from Buenos Aires. Chris is a kind, funny, brilliant, and truly special person: my best friend, and the person who understands me more than anyone else in the world. Not only did we live together for the past five years, but for most of that time, we spent most of every day talking (two years of that living in tiny rooms in a foreign country), without managing to drive each other nuts. Though after five years, we managed to do that after all, haha. We broke up after several months of arguments, but continued our friendship. When I moved out of the apartment we'd shared in Minnesota, I moved in with my dad. I felt terrible living there, heartbroken and unemployed, and took a big leap of faith: I moved to Chicago with the $1,000 from my tax return to see if I could find a job and settle here. It worked! I couchsurfed with friends from my spiritual group and found a job within two weeks. After all that excitement, and such success, it came as a surprised that this break-up would continue to affect me deeply several months later. These things really do take time. Especially when your ex had delivered you restaurant-quality vegetarian meals and a beer straight to your writing and crafting chair every day for the past several years. 

Mindfulness and Spirituality: I developed post-traumatic stress disorder after the attempted rape (I had already been deeply affected by sexual harassment and date rape before that happened), AND worked at preschool, so meditation ceased to be a choice! Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Peace Is Every Breath" was my introduction to mindfulness meditation, which did so much to reduce my fear, anxiety, and stress. Simply accepting that I felt so afraid (that someone had broken in again, or would attack me on the street), helped so much to bring me a greater sense of safety, clarity, and peace. I had felt panicked, hurt, and ridiculous feeling the way I felt, but resisting those feelings only strengthened them. I found that accepting and breathing into them began to transform them right away. Over time, I began to feel much more connected to my body (it happened suddenly, and I realized that for much of my life, I had lived in what I would describe as a very dissociated state!). And I became more and more interested in the idea of "oneness," too. My favorite two spiritual teachers are Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist and poet who was nominated by Martin Luther King Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize-- I've read almost all of his 80 or so books, some of them several times-- and Teal Swan, a youtube personality who makes videos and gives workshops about spirituality, healing, mysticism, self-help, and psychology. Teal's teachings are like a condensation of all of my very favorite things about mythology, psychotherapy, Buddhism, and new age. I have also found the most incredible group of friends through connecting with others in her tribe (Teal Tribe). =)

Shame Free Family: My Teal Tribe friends made my leap of faith move to Chicago possible, and were such loving support in some of my toughest times. They continue to be great friends. Some of my favorite personalities from Teal Tribe started a secret facebook group with the intention to melt shame and love ourselves to life, both by sharing our deepest shame in order to heal it through validation, acceptance, compassion, and LOTS of laughs, and by being completely shameless, Kanye-style. The group is a social experiment, and continues to evolve. It has been such a powerful, joyful, and incredible experience to connect with such beautiful, brilliant souls. Everyone in our tight-knit group is an artist and healer. They have helped me grow so much!

Which brings us back to the present. Here I am in Chicago, establishing new foundations for what's in store! I have decided to commit to writing this November. I'm going to do some version of NaNoWriMo, though I may not end up writing a novella. What I will do is write, write, write. I've been going to the Art Institute of Chicago (one of my very favorite art museums) most Thursdays. I am going to hop around yoga studios (I have certificates for a month's worth of lessons for three different studios, and two private lessons). I may start dancing, but I'm not there yet... What I am very determined to do is teach, enjoy wonderful times with children, and write, write, write!

Thanks for reading!

Kaeli